How to Write a Thank-You Email After an Interview, According to Experts

Have you ever been in this situation?

You go in for an interview, and after a harrowing two hours, walk out feeling relatively confident that you made a good impression. Your resume was flawless. Your cover letter was witty and showed passion. Your interview outfit was on point. You thought you really bonded with the team that interviewed you. Nothing could go wrong, right?

What went wrong? You forgot a vital (and oft-overlooked) part of the job search process: the interview thank-you email!

Why Should You Send a Thank You Email or Letter After an Interview?

If you think it’s terrifying being interviewed, you’re not alone. But let me tell you, interviews (especially in-person interviews) can be an equally traumatizing experience from the other side of the table.

I kicked off the search for my first hire at Grammarly earlier this year, and when the first on-site interview came around, I was terrified. Sitting there with my list of questions and my notebook, I tried to simultaneously project confidence, follow my company’s values, ask the right questions, make sure my hair didn’t do anything weird, and (attempt to) mask my nerves.

Sound familiar?

Even if interviews are a vital part of the recruiting process, the first round of the interview process can be awkward for everyone. That’s why it’s key to write a thank you note after the interview—often the process has made them just as uncomfortable as you are! That’s why a killer post-interview thank-you note can help you make a great impression and land the job.

But don’t take my word for it! Lily Zhang, a career expert at MIT, put it this way on The Muse:

Think of it this way: Your interview isn’t over until you send a thank you note. You want to move the hiring managers from interview mindset to decision mindset as quickly as possible, so don’t drag it out.

I asked Olivia Seastrom, a recruiter at Grammarly, what she loves about thank-you notes. She said,

I really like thoughtful, sincere thank you notes after interviews, and I always sent them when I was interviewing. It doesn’t have to be formal, just a nice note to express interest and thank someone for their time.

Additionally, a great thank-you note can make you stand out from the crowd. CareerBuilder determined that only 57 percent of candidates send thank-you notes, and 20 percent of hiring managers would be less likely to hire someone without a thank you. That could mean the difference between a job and a rejection.

When to Send an After Interview Thank You Note

With any important piece of writing, planning is half the battle. Should you follow up over email, in a handwritten notecard, or on social media? And what should you write?

There are two vital factors to consider when writing a thank-you note after an interview: speed and specificity. Thank yous are not “better late than never.” In fact, most interviewers expect an email or letter within a day. That means time is of the essence, and you need to work quickly! As one Glassdoor recruiter puts it, “it is vital to send a thank you email to your interviews within 24-48 hours.”

Even though you must write quickly, you also need to personalize each thank-you note to the interviewer. Gone are the days where I would look at a template thank-you note and consider it worth my time to read. As Valerie LeClair, Grammarly’s Director of Recruiting, once described to me,

Write from the heart! If a candidate is going to write a standardized, impersonal note, there is no reason to even send it.

But don’t panic! Take a deep breath and reflect on your interview experience. Now, ask yourself these idea-generating questions:

• How did the interview go? Did anything weird happen?
• Did I flub on a question I know I have a better answer for?
• Did I forget to ask the interviewer one of my questions?
• Is there something additional this interviewer should know about me?
• Did I discuss anything interesting? Find any similarities to my interviewer?

After you formulate a few ideas (either in your head or on paper), it’s time to think format. If you want to make a truly over-the-top impression, consider a handwritten note. If you had many interviewers or know you have more rounds of interviews to go through, you can probably stick with email. No matter what, avoid a public social media follow-up. As Jenny Foss writes on The Muse:

Who are you trying to thank? The interviewer (this is who you should be trying to thank, directly) or the entire corporation and all of its thousands of followers? Seriously.

Planning Your Interview Thank You Note

By now, you should have a format, deadline, and list of ideas for your thank-you note, and it’s time to slap on your writing hat and get to work. Here are the general principles of a great letter or email.

Be your best self, on paper.

Your cover letter and resume were all about representing the best version of your professional self, and this thank-you note should be no different. Don’t resort to overly familiar language just because you’ve met someone in person, but also don’t suddenly become cold and dispassionate. Keep the same tone you would in any other email to the recruiter or hiring manager, and if there’s a place to remind them of your passion for the role, go for it!

The only thing you should avoid in a thank-you is trying to sell yourself once again. You’re writing this note to show you appreciate someone’s time, not to tell them you’re awesome. Remember that.

Keep it short, and mind your structure.

In the same vein, don’t suddenly write a novel about how much you love the company or the person you talked to. You may have many things to tell this recruiter or hiring manager, but try to stick to one main point, question, or fun fact.

Personally, if I’m reading a thank-you email longer than five sentences, I’ve probably started to wonder if the time to read it was worth my investment. Knowing how to write a thank you email after an interview is a valuable skill. Trust me.

How to write a perfect thank you email after an interview: Tips & Templates

I know all of this sounds great in theory, but slamming pen to paper (or fingers to keys) to write a thank you letter after a job interview is a very different matter. Never fear, templates and suggestions are here!

Before I share a general format, I want you to repeat after me: “I solemnly swear not to copy-paste this template into my email.” We’ve already covered why a generic thank you is almost worse than no thank you, but in case you’re not convinced, here’s an infographic to change your mind. That said, a few ideas never hurt, so feel free to steal any of the phrases or sentences below and make them your own! Here’s a great sample thank you email after an interview.

Dear [Interviewer’s Name],

[Opening line thanking them.] [Personalized detail about how you enjoyed meeting them, the hiring manager, and/or the team.] [Sentence that adds value to the discussions you had, and shows your passion for the company and position.]

[Sentence about how excited you are to hear from them, that also sets you up to send a follow-up email later.] [Closing sentence that thanks them again, and offers to provide further information.]

[Sign-Off],

[Your Name]

Subject Lines

• Thanks for Chatting Today – Use something like this if you had a phone screen or video interview.
• Nice to Meet You Today – This works well for interviews that take place on site.
• Thanks, and a Question – Have a nagging, relevant question that shows you’re passionate about the role? Use this email to follow up after your interview!
• Thank You for Your Time – Especially good if it was a long interview.
• Many Thanks – Short, sweet, and classic.

Opening Lines

• It was really nice meet you today.
• Thank you for taking the time to meet with me today.
• Thanks for taking the time to introduce me to the team today.
• Thank you so much for your time today.
• Thanks for chatting with me today.

Closing Sentences

• Thank you again for your time, and let me know if there is any further information I can provide to aid in your decision.
• Let me know if there is any more information I can provide. I’d be happy to follow up on any items we discussed today.
• Thanks again for your time. It was great to meet you!
• Thanks again for chatting with me. I am eagerly awaiting next steps.

Sign-Offs

• All the Best,
• Many Thanks,
• Thank You,

• Editing Your Work: A Thank-You Email and Letter Checklist

  I love to edit all sorts of writing, but I know this isn’t true for everyone! Since editing can be a time-consuming step, here are two checklists you can use to make sure your email is flawless: one for real letters and one for emails. Don’t worry, editing shouldn’t take longer than five minutes, so you’ll still get that email out in time!

  If you’re writing a pen-and-paper thank-you note after an interview:

  • Did I format this note correctly? If it’s handwritten, can any average person read my handwriting?
  • Have I addressed the person I’m thanking correctly? Am I spelling their name right?
  • Did I make my point in under five sentences?
  • Did I mention a specific topic, common interest, or question relevant to my discussion with this person?
  • Did I say “thank you” at some point in the note?
  • Did I sign the thank-you letter?
  • Did I proofread the note? (Don’t know how to do this? Check out this blog on proofreading techniques.)
  • No really, is the writing flawless?
  • Have I addressed the envelope, purchased postage, and mailed the letter within 24-48 hours of the interview?

  If you did all of these things, congratulations! You deserve to put your feet up and sip your favorite post-interview beverage (mine’s herbal tea, but you do you).

  If you’re writing a thank-you email:

  • Did I include a relevant subject line? Is everything spelled correctly there?
  • Have I addressed the person I’m thanking correctly? Am I spelling their name and email right?
  • Did I make my point in under five sentences?
  • Did I mention a specific topic, common interest, or question relevant to my discussion with this person?
  • Did I say “thank you” at some point in the note?
  • Are my signature, email name, and email avatar photo all in alignment to project a professional image?
  • Did I use Grammarly to edit this note for correctness, clarity, and word choice? (Don’t have Grammarly? Get the app here.)
  • Did I proofread this email? (Don’t know how to do this? Check out these tips.)
  • Did I hit “Send” within 24-48 hours?

  If you did all of these things, congratulations! You deserve to grab a book and a snack and take a break. The hard part is (mostly) over.

  Need more help following up after interviews? Check back for more insights next week.

Willpower Is a Muscle—Here’s How to Make It Stronger

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), children who demonstrate stronger willpower in the lab end up having better school attendance and stronger academic performance while also being more likely to have “greater physical and mental health, fewer substance-abuse problems and criminal convictions, and better savings behavior and financial security” as adults. Yet, in the APA’s Annual Stress Survey, lack of self-control is the leading reason Americans fail to follow through with healthy lifestyle changes. We’d all like more willpower. Unfortunately, many of us lost whatever lottery would have given us more self-control.

Right?

Wrong. It turns out that willpower is a skill that can be practiced and strengthened.

Your inability to keep your hand out of the cookie jar despite years of New Year’s resolutions might actually come down to a weak or underdeveloped willpower muscle rather than a predestined lack of self-control. But, before you start berating yourself about wimpy willpower muscles. . .

Take your eyes off the cookie jar. Look at me. This is exciting.

. . .new research shows that your willpower may not really be all that weak. In some ways, our modern world sets us up to fail. But in the face of all this, you can get better. So, how do you increase willpower?

What Is Willpower? How Does It Work?

Before we dive into the juicy stuff, it will be helpful to get on the same page about what we mean when we say “willpower.”

Essentially, you use willpower when you forego immediate gratification in order to achieve long-term goals.

According to Roy F. Baumeister, author of Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength, understanding self-control comes down to understanding these things:

• Willpower is like a mental muscle.
• It fatigues like a muscle if it is worked too hard, leading to “ego depletion” or “willpower depletion.”
• Exercising restraint isn’t all that can exhaust the mental energy needed for self-control; decision-making of all kinds also depletes willpower.

With that context, it becomes more clear why your willpower might not be the problem: your environment plays a role, too. Dr. Kathleen Vohs explains, “[t]here is research that shows people still have the same self-control as in decades past, but we are bombarded more and more with temptations,” and “[o]ur psychological system is not set up to deal with all the potential immediate gratification.”

Just let that sink in.

All the media we consume, all the advertisements, the fast pace of life, the seemingly unlimited options at the store—even having too many clothes in your closet can be a drain on your willpower! Between all the temptations we encounter and the thousands upon thousands of decisions we make each day, no wonder that willpower is nowhere to be found when we need it most.

So, what’s the good news?

According to loads of research, you absolutely can strengthen and increase willpower so that in the face of everything, you will reach your goals.

How to Increase Willpower

More good news: there are several research-backed strategies to help you manage your willpower resources and strengthen your self-control muscles—even if you think you have none. The simplest strategies for improving self-control include meeting your basic physical needs and removing unnecessary decision-making from your daily life. The more complex strategies will take time and effort but are most effective in helping you fortify your willpower over time.

1Eat regularly.

The severe lack of determination you feel when you’re hungry isn’t just in your head. Research supports the idea that willpower requires a lot of brainpower, and the brain needs food. If you aren’t feeding your brain enough or often enough, your willpower will suffer. For this reason, if you’re trying to lose weight—or even write that term paper—eating small meals often improves your self-control.

2Remove temptations.

In his ground-breaking Marshmallow Experiment (yes, that’s what it was called), Dr. Walter Mischel and his team placed a plate of marshmallows on a table and gave children a choice between eating one marshmallow immediately or waiting for an unspecified time for two. What they found is that children who distracted themselves—closed their eyes, looked around, etc.—were able to resist temptation much longer than those who didn’t take their eyes off the plate of pillowy marshmallows. This “out-of-sight-out-of-mind” tactic has been confirmed to work for adults—in offices, with candy. So, if you want to avoid willpower depletion, remove some temptations.

3Reduce the number of decisions you have to make.

Remember willpower feeds on the same energy as all your decision-making. Try to limit the number of decisions you have to make. Here are some ideas for how to reduce the number of choices you make day-to-day.

• Prepare your meals in advance once or twice a week.
• Plan your weekday outfits on the weekend or try a capsule wardrobe. While planning an entire week of outfits is great if you live somewhere with reliable weather, a capsule wardrobe can have a similar effect and give you flexibility. Basically, you just pick items that match one another. My closet, for example, is all based on the same palette. It makes dressing—and shopping—much less stressful.
• For projects, create a structured plan to follow or get a professional to help. If you’re doing something like trying to get in shape, doing the same structured exercises might help you stick to it. Also, hiring a professional to handle the details can pay off big time. With my personal trainer, all I do is show up. He worries about the rest—which exercises, how much, and he gets it all set for me. Plus, I made a friend.
• Outsource! Somewhat related to hiring a professional, outsourcing decisions is a good way to get things off your plate or just have a little fun. For example, at our office we get lunch deliveries from various places nearby—we just have to order it. Some folks, however, have discovered someone else on the team with similar tastes and told our office manager to always order what so-and-so is having. For larger projects, like publishing a report or planning an event, learn to let go of control. Get everyone on the same page to start, but then let others own some decision-making.
• Batch tasks. This won’t really help you limit the number of decisions you have to make, but it will help you remove the distractions that some decisions cause. Check your email at fixed times or, if you use Slack, learn to love the “Remind me about this” function.

4Focus.

According to Baumeister, one of the worst things you can do for your willpower is try to make too many changes at a time (ehrm, New Year’s Resolutions?) You’re much better off picking one.

5Do some emotional TLC.

Unsurprisingly, emotions can have a big impact on your willpower.

• Show your emotion. Tom Heatherton and Katherine Vohs measured self-control of people who had just seen a sad movie. One group had been told not to show their emotions and another group had been told to let their emotions out. The group that showed their sadness performed better on the willpower tests, presumably because they didn’t need to use up their self-control supply trying to hide their emotions. So, let it out!

• Stop people pleasing. Making others happy and conforming to their standards is a surefire way to zap your willpower. Find ways to motivate your behavior that don’t require external approval.
• Check your frame of mind. Baumeister found that just thinking positively about one’s willpower improved self-control outcomes in tests. So, if you’re having trouble resisting temptation, think about a few examples where you exhibited restraint successfully before trying again.

6Increase your motivation.

Inevitably, there will be times when your willpower is waning. In times like these, focus on motivation. Research by Mark Muraven shows that low-willpowered people perform better on self-control tasks when they’re told they will be paid. When you’re feeling temptation taking over, focus instead on how you can better motivate yourself. In the weight-loss game, for example, there apps like Gympact that bill you for not hitting the gym and pay you for living healthfully.

7Use some “Implementation Intention.”

In Willpower, Baumeister and co-author John Teirney outline how to cope in the face of temptation and bolster your self-control using a technique called “implementation intention.” It works this way: before you experience a temptation, you should already plan out your response. Let’s say you are avoiding unhealthy food. If you’re at a party and someone offers you dessert, you can plan to decline and instead ask for some fresh fruit. The key here is to think about situations when your willpower will be tested and prepare a response in advance—basically make your decision in advance.

8Practice self-control.

The most challenging but best way to strengthen your willpower muscles is to actually use them. Baumeister suggests creating simple but challenging tasks that require some effort to adhere to. For example, you can commit to turning the light off in every room you leave, putting away your clothes at the end of each day, or eliminating filler words from your speech. These relatively easy tasks, practiced diligently, will hone your self-control skills—and build your confidence in the face of temptation.

Without a doubt, fortifying willpower isn’t easy, but the benefits that come with reserves of self-determination can give you an edge. Researchers have even shown that strength of willpower is more strongly correlated with academic performance than IQ is. The investment you make in your self-control skills is one of the best you can make in your life.

So, now the question is, what are you going to do with your willpower?

The Mother of All Blog Posts

According to History.com, a woman named Anna Jarvis created the American version of the holiday in 1908, prompted by the passing of her own mother. It became an official holiday in 1914. Jarvis later denounced the commercialization of the holiday and tried to have it removed from the calendar!

Here are some fascinating facts about Mother’s Day:

• More phones calls are made on Mother’s Day than any other day of the year, with a spike in traffic of as much as 37 percent.

• According to CNN.com, Mother’s Day is big business. Approximately 65 percent of card sales are made five days prior to Mother’s Day and consumers spend more than $20 billion on the holiday.

• We all value our mothers, but do you know what a mother’s work at home is really worth? According to Insure.com, in 2013 the average value of an at-home mother was more than $59,000 per year!

Sure, Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate all-things-mom. But, it is also cause for a linguistic celebration. There are a variety of popular idioms that incorporate the word “mother.” Have you heard any of the following?

Failure is the mother of success.

You’d assume that this means failure breeds success, or that you can’t have success without failure. However, UsingEnglish.com translates the saying to “failure is often a stepping stone towards success.”

Similar idioms:

Diligence is the mother of good luck: This reminds me of the famous saying, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity,” which, according to LifeHacker.com, is attributed to Roman philosopher, Seneca.

Necessity is the mother of invention: According to GoodReads.com, this quote can be attributed to Plato.

Motherhood and apple pie.

This phrase is used to refer to something that is largely agreed upon by all. The idea is that most people approve of motherhood and we all like apple pie, right? Another meaning the phrase has taken on in later years is to refer to something that is quintessentially American.

MakingHeadsOrTailsOfIdioms.com provides interesting background on the origin of the phrase. Most people agree that the original saying came from soldiers at war telling reports what they miss most about home.

A face that only a mother could love.

This phrase doesn’t require much thought to understand. Let’s just say, I hope to never hear this one directed at me! If you need some help deciphering, UsingEnglish.com explains it here.

Shall I be mother?

This phrase is common to British and Australian English and is typically used in a humorous way to ask whether the speaker should serve food or drink. In today’s politically correct world, the phrase is arguably sexist, but generally no offense is intended. Find more on this phrase and other British gems on EffingPot.com.

Word to your mother.

Believe it or not, this slang phrase has origins in the Afrocentric movement of the 1980s and started as “word to the mother,” as a reference to Africa or “The Motherland.” The corrupted phrase, “word to your mother,” generally implies agreement with what was said just before. UrbanDictionary.com provides a pretty comprehensive overview.

In addition to idioms using the word “mother,” we also have a plethora of quotes about the dear women that brought us into this world. Psychology Today has a nice list including:

The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant. – Jane Sellman

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. – Oprah Winfrey

There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one. – Jill Churchill

As Mother’s Day approaches, remember the ways that the mothers in your life – and in your language – make your days richer. And don’t forget to buy a card!

7 Intelligent Tips on How to Quit Your Job Properly

As life changes go, quitting a job ranks among the most exhilarating and terrifying. It’s a leap into the unknown, regardless of whether you’ve got a new position all lined up or you’re leaving to begin the hunt for new opportunities. Here are seven expert tips to take a little of the stress out of your transition and help you quit your job with class.

1Weigh the pros and cons.

Job stress can cause us to make impulsive decisions. It’s a good idea to take a step back and get a little perspective before you decide to jump ship. Take time to weigh the pros and cons of leaving. Is looking for a new job the best option? Can you afford the down time?

If you already have a new job in your sights, how does it compare to your present position? Keep in mind that money isn’t necessarily the only factor you’ll need to weigh; things like benefits, commute time, and opportunities for advancement are also critical. If you’re not certain about your new job prospects, you may want to determine whether your current job can be salvaged before you call it quits.

2Prepare to give the required amount of notice.

If you have an employment contract, now is the time to look at it and see if you’re required to give a certain amount of notice. If you’re not contractually obligated to give more, two weeks’ notice is customary.

If your job requires very specific skills, and you know there’s no one available to readily replace you, it’s good form to give more notice. That way, your employer will have more time to bring in someone new and get that person trained.

Here’s a tip: Keep in mind that in some highly skilled industries, giving more than two weeks notice is considered standard. If you aren’t sure of the protocol, do a bit of research.

3Draft a resignation letter.

Before you tell your boss that you’re leaving, draft a resignation letter. Treat the resignation letter as a legal document terminating your employment. It will likely go in your HR file and become a permanent part of your record.

Don’t burn bridges! You may well have criticism for your boss or the company, but save constructive feedback for your exit interview. Your resignation letter should be straightforward and positive. Tell your boss that you intend to resign and when your last day will be. Discuss any transition plan you have or are willing to make. Thank your boss for the opportunity. You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation about why you’ve chosen to move on, so keep it simple.

Here’s a tip: You may need multiple copies of your resignation letter. Be prepared to hand them out in the right order. Your direct supervisor should be the first to receive one, and then any others along the chain of command who will be directly affected by your departure. Finally, give a copy to HR.

4Schedule a meeting with your boss.

Yes, the conversation may be difficult. And yes, you’ve carefully crafted a resignation letter that iterates the same news. Even so, it’s best to tell your boss that you’re leaving in person.

Keep the meeting professional. Future employers are likely to contact your boss for a reference. And, even if you’ve already found a new job, remember that you’re not the only one who makes career changes. You may well encounter your boss somewhere down the line. It’ll be better for both of you if, the last time you worked with him or her, you left on good terms.

5Tell your coworkers personally.

Once you’ve informed key players like your boss and HR, it’s time to let your co-workers know that you’re leaving. Anyone you work closely with deserves your personal touch. Don’t leave folks to wonder and speculate when they see you packing your desk.

It’s a good idea to thank your mentors and anyone who’s helped you along your career path personally, too. A handwritten thank-you note is a kind, memorable gesture.

Remember, social media has eyes everywhere, so it’s important to leave on good terms with your colleagues. You’ll be counting on them for things like LinkedIn recommendations and references.

6Make a transition plan.

Some employers will ask you to make a transition plan. Even if they don’t, you should have at least a rudimentary plan to help someone fill your role if your tasks are particularly complex. After all, no one else understands your day-to-day process like you do. Here’s what The Muse recommends that a simple transition plan include.

• Who will own each of your projects and tasks moving forward? Don’t leave anything out, no matter how small it may seem!
• When will each of your projects and tasks transition to their new owners? Ideally all of these transitions will happen at least a week before you leave so that you have a bit of a buffer.
• What specific tasks will you complete before exiting your organization and how long you will each action take? Make sure not to forget administrative steps like exiting paperwork.

If you’re training someone to replace you, remember to keep your interactions instructive and positive. Even if you’ve had some challenges with your company or supervisor, now isn’t the time to share them. Grumbling about your job responsibilities to the trainee who is about to fill them will only leave him or her with bad feelings. Instead, try to impart some wisdom to help the trainee meet the challenges you faced. Making work life better for the next person should be your goal.

7Don’t forget last-minute details.

Leaving a job once you’re established can be a more involved project than you might imagine. If your company has a human resources department, be prepared to ask questions. Before you leave, make sure you look into any benefits you may be entitled to, such as unused PTO. Figure out what happens to your 401(k) and sort out how things like health insurance are handled.

Some companies will conduct an exit interview. Although this is a good time to give feedback about what the company can do to retain employees, remember again to keep it constructive. You may encounter your boss or others from your company down the road, so scorched earth policies are never a good idea. It can be helpful to prepare in advance for exit interview questions, especially if you’re aware that you’ll be personally interviewed rather than asked to fill out a survey. The Balance offers a sampling of exit interview questions you can expect.

Best of luck with your new career venture!

3 Things Introverts Feel on Valentine’s Day

Oh, Valentine’s Day—the holiday of love and romance! Or, at least, it’s supposed to be. For me, as a strong introvert with generalized anxiety, holidays are pretty much like those “Mystery Gifts” you bought at dollar stores as a kid. Expectations for awesomeness bloom in your head, only to wither away under a hodgepodge of mediocrity. It’s not all bad, though. Here are a few things that introverts feel on Valentine’s Day and some thoughts on what to do about it.

This is overwhelming.

Too much heart-shaped stuff, a coma-inducing amount of sugar (as if I needed more excitement), and an obscene number of public declarations of love on Facebook.

For a holiday that 36 percent of adults don’t even celebrate, it’s surprisingly ubiquitous. There is advertising everywhere. Pink and red packaging everywhere. Heart-shaped everything everywhere. And, that’s only the marketing pressure. There’s social pressure too. Even well-meaning friends or coworkers discussing their grand romantic plans can induce paralysis. There is a weird feeling that if you don’t do anything or, maybe worse, you don’t do much for your partner on Valentine’s, that it is somehow indicative of your feelings. It’s not. It’s indicative of how claustrophobic it felt when you attempted to plan that elaborate expression of love that one time.

This is inauthentic.

This is basically the only time of year when I am expected to associate true love with glitter, red and pink, and hyper-romantic professions of love.

With the exception of when The Bachelorette starts running, love every other day of the year happens in the context of day-to-day life. It’s less a pair of star-cross’d lovers moving toward happily ever after and more a couple of people appreciating imperfection and working hard in spite of it—and it’s definitely not covered in pink sparkles. Valentine’s Day as it is marketed is an exaggerated, narrow conception of love.

To make matters worse, it’s not even artistically or aesthetically exaggerated. At least if we were all spewing lines from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet, swooning over the enduring commitment of Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth Bennett, or exalting the quiet passion in Rodin’s The Kiss, we could claim Valentine’s Day as a cultural boon. But we don’t. Valentine’s Day makes love seem like both a simple, perfect fate and a commodity.

This is awkward.

Do I congratulate friends? What is my date expecting? How do I remain polite without making anyone uncomfortable?

Valentine’s Day, unlike many other holidays, sits in a gray area. With other winter holidays, it’s a safe bet your friends are celebrating something—even if it’s just all the holiday pay. But Valentine’s Day is beloved by many, hated by more, and tolerated by some. It’s a pretty exclusive holiday in practice, celebrated mostly by those coupled among us, which leaves a lot of people out.

So, how do you know what is expected from your new partner, your friends, or—jeez—your coworkers? Hypothetically, if I were to bake heart-shaped cookies and share a romantic quote on Twitter, would I make a fool of myself at the office or inspire my love-skeptic friends to tease me for the next two weeks? Or, what if I do nothing, but everyone around me gets really into it? It’s awkward because it’s vulnerability, and it’s public, and there aren’t clear expectations for how to behave with everyone.

What to do about it.

Valentine’s Day can be a source of sensory and emotional overload because it is built around oversimplified or exaggerated romance and doesn’t include obvious standards to help navigate various social relationships. That doesn’t mean the day can’t be enjoyable for introverts, however.

As an introvert, it’s important to focus on your needs and on communicating expectations. If going through the candy aisle to stock up on treats for the office party gives you anxiety, ask if you can help with something else, like planning the music. And, if you’re not sure how your partner feels about the holiday, make a point to discuss your ideal Valentine’s Day ahead of time.

If you are dating an introvert, keep things simple and personal by avoiding elaborate and flashy professions of love. Opt instead for gestures that reflect intimate knowledge of your partner and deep appreciation for them.

Are you celebrating Valentine’s Day? What do you think about it and what are your preferences?