How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty (at All!)

No is one of the shortest words in English, but also it’s one of the most difficult to say. The problem isn’t pronunciation. Many people feel guilty when they have to turn down a request—especially one from a friend, colleague, or family member.

How can you decline a request without those pesky feelings of guilt? Let’s look at some scenarios you might face at the workplace. Why is saying no the right thing to do in each situation?

Sue wants to learn to use a new software program. You’re proficient, but you don’t enjoy teaching others.

Why It’s Okay to Say No

Is providing tech training part of your job description? If not, you have no obligation to do it. Sue would learn best from a willing teacher. If you politely refuse, you’ll avoid doing her a disservice, and she’ll be free to find a teacher committed to her success.

How to Say No Without Guilt

Thank your colleague for complimenting your abilities. Point out that while you are familiar with the program, you are not much of a teacher. Suggest another way for her to accomplish her goal. For example, you might send her a link to an online tutorial that helped you or encourage her to ask the boss to arrange training for everyone who needs support.

Your boss needs someone to work this Saturday. Weeks ago, you arranged to have the day off for a special event in your life. Even though he approved your request, now he is asking if you’ll rearrange your schedule to work an extra shift. You declined, but you just received another email from him asking you to reconsider.

Why It’s Okay to Say No

Mental health experts encourage a healthy work-life balance. If work always crowds out your other interests, you’ll soon experience burnout that will prevent you from working at your highest potential. In this case, saying no will set a precedent for your work relationship in the future. Your boss might never respect your “no” if you weaken and give in to his request. If the special event is important and you’ve followed company procedures, you shouldn’t feel bad about taking time for yourself.

How to Say No Without Guilt

When dealing with authority, you might propose a compromise. “Thanks for inviting me to work on the project! Though I won’t be available to reschedule my commitments Saturday, I cleared my schedule to work on the project as soon as I return to the office. I will report to you first thing Monday to see what you need me to do.” A tactful, yet firm response will show your boss that while you’re not a pushover, you are still a team player.

You spent all night writing an article for the company newsletter. The copy editor sends the article back to you for review—full of corrections and deletions. Some of her comments are spot on, but you disagree with one of them. How do you reject a writing edit while preserving good relations?

Why It’s Okay to Say No

An editor’s comments are suggestions for improvement. You, as the person whose name is on the article, will be the one to take the credit for successes and the fall for any mistakes. If your research or experience moves you to reject the advice, you can do so with the confidence that editors aren’t infallible.

How to Say No Without Guilt

Focus on how saying no will benefit your colleague. For instance, you might include a reference to the issue in the most recent style guide. Often, posing your challenge in the form a question will help you show respect. “I thought that the 2017 Chicago Manual of Style discouraged the use of singular they (in place of he or she) in formal prose? Can you check on it and get back to me?” You can also choose to ignore the suggestion without an explanation. Doing so might cause your editor to do a little investigating of her own and save herself the embarrassment of receiving a correction from you.

Practice Makes Perfect

Does the thought of saying no still put you on edge? You’re not alone! Psychologist Marsha Linehan suggests practicing in unimportant daily situations. Smile and shake your head the next time someone offers you a free sample at the mall. Delete the next email for a volunteer work project. In time, you’ll lose the feeling that you always have to say yes.

Why does saying no have to be a negative experience? Remind yourself why saying no is the wisest course. Then, use a little tact as you explain why you’re declining. If you offer an alternative means to support the person, they will feel better and so will you.

How Do I Show Emphasis in a Sentence

If you need to emphasize a word or a particular fact in a sentence, you can use italics to stress it. That said, italics and other font changes lose their impact if overused. It is best to use such devices sparingly and rely on strong writing and strategic word placement to get your point across.

Before the advent of word processing, it was common to underline words to show emphasis. You can still use underlining in your writing and be correct.

Why did you give Sara the sandwich with mustard on it? That was Casey’s sandwich.

Italics, however, are the more current—and more elegant—way to emphasize a word or phrase.

There are fewer than five thousand Black Rhinos left on the African continent today.

At last, he saw the face under the cloak’s hood. It was her.

Italics can be useful to emphasize a few words at a time and can be especially helpful if a single word is stressed, as in the examples above. But when overused, too many font changes can confuse and overwhelm the reader; in the world of the written word, it is “shock and awe.”

Emphasis Through Strategic Word or Clause Placement

When your aim is to point the reader toward key facts and phrases, using introductory adverbs and adverb phrases can be very effective. Some examples of these are especially, particularly, most importantly, and above all. Other adverbs work well in the introductory position too. In the example below, you will see what a difference word position can make in a sentence: the first iteration sounds almost casual in tone compared to the second.

He emerged from the vanguard unscathed, remarkably.

Remarkably, he emerged from the vanguard unscathed.

Repetition of a phrase can also have a compelling effect in your writing, rhythmically underscoring the essence of your key message.

How could he ask which of them I truly loved? It was him. It had always been him.

Another method of emphasis in a series of sentences is the placement of a short, emphatic sentence to “punctuate” a crucial point and even add an element of drama.

Jim decided to find out if playing frisbee in a glass factory was a bad idea. It was.

Use With Caution: Boldface, Capitals, and Exclamation Marks

Boldface fonts can be used sparsely to draw attention to words or short phrases, and are most often seen in business writing. Using boldface for emphasis is not appropriate for academic writing.

Smoking is not permitted in the workplace.

A draft must be submitted three days before the publication deadline.

“All caps” writing is rarely warranted, and if you use capitals too often, your paragraphs will appear silly and chaotic. In electronic communications, it can even be perceived as shouting.

A draft must be submitted THREE DAYS BEFORE THE PUBLICATION DEADLINE.

Some people may actually be offended by the style of the above example. Therefore, use all capitals very sparingly (and never in academic writing).

“BE CAREFUL!” I cried.

Similarly, exclamation marks certainly have a place in English writing, but they are too often abused. They can be used effectively in fiction and informal writing, but you should avoid them in business and academic writing. Using an exclamation point implies an outcry or extreme excitement, and should be reserved for unique circumstances.

The exit is to your right!

Off with his head!

A final note about exclamation points: when you do use them, remember that you need only one of them. Not two, not five, not seven. One.

Grammar Basics: What Is Sentence Inversion?

Besides the question mark, how can you tell a question from a statement? One way is to look for sentence inversion. In statements, the subject usually comes before the verb. Questions invert the subject and the verb. In other words, the verb comes first, as in this example: Are you going to need a ride home from school? Sentence inversion isn’t a foolproof method for identifying a question, however. Statements are sometimes inverted too.

Inversion is common when a sentence begins with an adverb phrase: On the windowsill were her two cats, Penny and Percival.

It’s also common when the sentence begins with and is modified by a negative adverb or adverb phrase: Never had she read such a sad book as The Coldest Tear. No sooner had he closed his eyes than his alarm clock rang.

Sentences are inverted with conditionals that omit the word “if” and use had, were, and, should: Had I arrived five minutes earlier, I wouldn’t have missed the train. Should he ask, tell him the reservations were made for Monday.

Inversion is also common after the preposition “so” + an adjective + that: So hilarious was the comedian that the audience laughed for ten minutes after the show ended.

Sentence inversion distinguishes questions from statements. When used with statements, it adds variety to writing. However, it can sound rather formal or awkward. Use it with caution!

How Do You Spell Donut?

Donut is an alternate spelling of doughnut. Some dictionaries point out that donut is rarely used outside the United States. All of them recognize doughnut as the main spelling, as do some of the more popular style guides. Doughnut might be the spelling you should use if you want to be sure you’re not making a mistake.

Doughnuts: the thing no stereotypical law enforcement officer can be seen without. Think of The Simpsons‘ Chief Wiggum. Or, if you’re a fan of looking beyond stereotypes, think of Twin Peaks‘ agent Dale Cooper, who appreciated the importance of doughnuts even though he favored cherry pie and a good cup of coffee. You get the picture—doughnuts have their place in popular culture.

They’ve also been on the mind of nutrition specialists and doctors, who generally advise against eating too many of these sweet and tasty rings of dough fried in oil. But seeing how we’re not the stereotypical girls and boys in blue here, or doctors for that matter, our interest in doughnuts comes from a completely different place. Apparently, there are two ways to spell the word—doughnut and donut—and it’s sometimes not completely clear which of the two spellings is the correct one.

Donut or Doughnut—Which Spelling Is Correct?

The simple answer to this question is they both are. Doughnut is the original spelling, which means it’s the older one, having appeared in the early nineteenth century. If you pick up a dictionary, any dictionary, you’ll find doughnut.

But it’s also very likely you’ll find donut, too. It might be listed as an alternate spelling, and some dictionaries might make it very clear that it’s a spelling mostly used in the United States. Donut, the simpler spelling of the word, first appeared around sixty years after the longer version, and it started gaining traction by the first half of the twentieth century.

Style guides, however, will occasionally list doughnut as the preferred spelling, so it might be better to forgo the shorter spelling unless you’re sure the donut in your writing will not be flagged as a mistake.

Why Is Donut Spelled Two Ways?

What is a doughnut, or donut, if you will? It’s a small lump of dough, which was originally fried in fat. So you can see where the “dough” in doughnut comes from. The “nut” part is actually a different way of saying “a small lump.” Originally, the name of the treat was dough boy.

Donut is a simplification of the original spelling, and as such, it’s completely in the spirit of the American version of the English language. Noah Webster, the godfather of American lexicography, was a strong supporter of spelling reform. If you look at American English and British English today, you’ll see that the former has a strong tendency to prefer the simpler spellings of words.

Lastly, it’s possible to find a correlation between the rise of the simpler spelling and the rise of Dunkin’ Donuts. But while they might get the credit for popularizing it, Dunkin’ Donuts didn’t invent the simpler spelling. In fact, bakeries have been using it since the 1920s.

5 Ways To Write Better Poems

Poetry is a strange medium. It’s both heavily critiqued and profoundly subjective. A poem can be as timeless as the best classical literature or it might only ever move one reader. When a format is so artistic and personal, it seems absurd to impose rules or suggest ways in which one poem is objectively better than another. Nonetheless, there are certain ways in which a poet can make her own work the best it can be, regardless of how it compares to the mainstream.

Write when you’re ready.

This advice may seem obvious, but too many poets worry first about writing a poem—any poem—rather than deciding on what they really want to say. Others may have a great central idea, but nothing else to follow it, so they end up filling in the gaps with stuffing. When inspiration is lacking, don’t try to force creativity. Work on peripheral things, expand your vocabulary, research something that interests you, and examine those old ideas you put aside. When the time is right to put pen to paper, you’ll know. By exercising patience, your work will come from inspiration rather than obligation.

Write what you know.

This is just as true for poets as it is for novel writers. The best poetry comes from the heart and soul, so examine what lies within your own. Experiences, both good and bad, are ideal fodder for inspiration and will give your words the ring of truth. Look through old photographs or diary entries and ask your friends and family about past events. Compare their perspectives or recollections to your own. Remember that nobody else has had a life quite like yours; what better subject matter for a unique poem?

Borrow from known techniques.

Poetry is personal and expressive, so you shouldn’t feel obliged to follow the classic literary techniques, no matter how boldly academics tout their importance. Having said that, they are useful as tools to help you develop your own style. Try a simple device like alliteration, wherein words are grouped together by their first letter to create a sound pattern, as in “The train tore along the track at a terrifying speed.” When read aloud, the consonant sound mirrors the clacking of the tracks, and the motion of the train becomes a little more real. There are plenty of classic poetic forms you can try, such as elegies and ballads, but never let them hem you in. The key is to consider how these techniques can help you, not to blindly follow them.

Remember the power of words.

Poetry tends toward the short form, especially when following a rhythm or meter that requires a set number of syllables. Expanding your vocabulary will make it easier to find one word that can do the job of three. Similarly, you can use literary devices to layer on additional meanings; with the right expression you can make your words say more than one thing. For example, hyperbole involves making outlandish exaggerations that paint a bold picture. Instead of “My father was very strong and supported the household,” try “My father could lift the whole house with one hand.”

Write for yourself.

You are not writing for the critics, or a publisher, or your readers. Poetry is written for the poet. Even when you do have adoring readers, or you choose to craft a piece as a gift or homage to another person, the spark that makes your poetry special is you! Readers follow writers because something about their talent appeals to them. Publishers look for unique points of view. Switch off the inner voice that tells you to follow certain rules or avoid certain subjects. There will always be people who don’t like your poems, but your poems can only be considered art if they remain true to your vision.