The Singular They

What Is the Singular They?

They is a third-person pronoun, usually referring to a group of something.

It is possible, however, to use they in reference to a single something (the same is true for the possessive, objective, and reflexive forms of they: their, them, and themselves). This is sometimes called the singular they.

A teacher can make a big difference in the lives of their students.

You can see the singular they in action in the example above. This sentence also demonstrates a common reason people reach for the singular they in both writing and speech: English has no gender-neutral third-person singular pronoun that can be used for talking about people. (Referring to a person as it is derogatory). In the sentence above, the gender of the teacher is unknown; it’s also irrelevant. You might even argue that it doesn’t really exist, because we’re not talking about any particular teacher. We’re talking about teachers in general.

Some people assume that the singular they is a modern invention, perhaps a contrivance to replace the outdated rule that writers should use he/him/his as the generic singular third-person pronoun. But, in fact, the singular they has a long, established history as a standard construction. Merriam-Webster cites examples from Chaucer, Shakespeare, Byron, Swift, Austen, and even the King James Bible.

Furthermore, the singular they isn’t only (or even mainly) used as a pronoun with indefinite gender. As Steven Pinker points out in his book The Sense of Style, it also functions as a pronoun of indefinite number. A frequently cited example from George Bernard Shaw illustrates this use:

No man goes into battle to be killed. . . . But they do get killed.

The gender of the hypothetical person in this example is unambiguous. But substituting he instead of they changes the meaning of the sentence. “But he does get killed” would imply that Shaw is talking about a specific man. If we changed “No man” to “No men,” though, it sounds like a generalization. We lose the subtle nuance of meaning that emphasizes the fact that every single man who goes to battle does so at extreme personal risk.

Why Do People Get So Worked Up About It?

If the singular they has both pragmatic and nuanced applications, as well as a long and respectable history, why is it so often decried as grammatical heresy? No one worried much about the singular they until the eighteenth century, when prescriptive grammarians decided that he/him/his should be the default indefinite pronoun. Although other invented rules, such as the proscription against ending a sentence with a preposition, have been thoroughly abandoned, the ban on the singular they has been slower to erode because so many of us have been taught that it is a terrible mistake.

But defaulting to he is not only outdated and widely considered to be sexist—it often just doesn’t work.

Was it your brother or your sister who had to wear a cast on his leg?

Obviously, he/him/his is not a generic pronoun.

Ways Around the Singular They

Often, skilled writers can rephrase sentences to avoid the problem of the singular they altogether. The widely disliked he or she is one option. But the result is often awkward and fussy:

A teacher can make a big difference in the lives of his or her students.

Another option is to make the antecedent of the pronoun plural, which would uncontroversially agree with the pronoun they.

Teachers can make a big difference in the lives of their students.

In longer pieces, some writers simply alternate between using his and her for generic examples.

A dedicated teacher can make a difference in the lives of her students. . . . An observant teacher can tell when his students are struggling.

But experienced writers also know that these tricks don’t always work.

When You Can’t Avoid It

A good rule of thumb is that if you can avoid using the singular they, then avoid it; it’s unnecessary. The more unnecessary the singular they is in a particular sentence, the more it will stick out.

My friend left their jacket in the theater.

Their sticks out here because it doesn’t seem necessary or natural. (Although it isn’t true for everyone, for the purposes of this example, we will assume that the friend identifies as either he or she.) Presumably, you are aware of your friend’s gender, so it would seem more natural to say “My friend left her jacket in the theater” or “My friend left his jacket in the theater.”

Someone left their jacket in the theater.

The singular their is less noticeable here because the pronoun someone is itself indefinite. But you could still easily avoid it by writing “Someone left a jacket in the theater.” That particular escape hatch, however, doesn’t work with a sentence like:

Whoever lost this jacket probably regrets their carelessness.

Of the three examples, this sentence contains the least noticeable singular their. There’s no way to get rid of their without totally rewriting the sentence. You could say “Whoever lost this jacket probably regrets the carelessness of leaving it behind,” but, frankly, that’s obnoxiously wordy. You could say “The owner of this jacket probably regrets losing it,” but that doesn’t mean quite the same thing. In this particular sentence, the singular their is the best choice.

So, Is It Ok to Use the Singular They?

Yes. But remember that not all readers accept the usage, and it’s likely that someone, somewhere, will be annoyed. In general, the more formal the situation, the harder you should try to avoid using the singular they. If you do use it, the best way to avoid getting into trouble is to be sure you understand why it’s necessary. And, remember, the reflexive form of they is themselves, not themself.

Here’s How to Send the Perfect Farewell Message to Colleagues

If you’re leaving your job, you will need to tie up lots of loose ends. Leaving a positive impression on your colleagues is vital. How do you gracefully notify colleagues of your departure? Let’s talk about the perfect farewell message.

The Perfect Timing

Sending farewell messages too early is a bad idea. People will inevitably stop by your office to wish you well face-to-face, and that could interfere with finishing up your last work tasks. After coworkers have said their goodbyes, they may feel awkward when they see you lurking about for another week. On the other hand, if you wait until the last minute, they may not have time to say a proper farewell. When is the best time? A day or two before your last day, when you’ve completed the majority of your duties, is a fitting time to send out a parting email. Then, when your fellow workers bid you farewell, you’ll have a chance to spend a few moments with each one on a personal basis.

The Perfect Words

What should you say in a farewell message? It will set the tone for your entire departure, so it’s essential to get it right. Of course, you’re excited about your future, but harping on how prestigious or lucrative your next position is may create jealousy. However, if you sound bummed about leaving, you will give the impression that your next job is (or will be) a dud. Aim for balance. Tell your workmates where you’re heading, but make the focus of the letter about them. You might express gratitude for individuals who helped to train you, reflect on some of your team’s greatest achievements, and make everyone laugh with an amusing anecdote. Close with a few words of fun advice, such as a quote from a respected expert in your field.

Don’t Forget

For networking purposes, include several ways to contact you. For example, you can include a link to your LinkedIn page, a phone number, and an email address. (You’ll probably lose access to work emails and phone numbers, so personal contact information is best.) If you don’t have your next position lined up already, ask some key players if you can use them as references.

Keep It Short and Sweet

How long should a farewell letter or email be? Do you groan when an extremely long work email shows up in your inbox? Have some empathy! A brief, friendly note will bring feelings of appreciation rather than disgruntled sighs. However, you do want to say enough that your message doesn’t sound flippant. In other words, “See ya!” isn’t thoughtful enough to create the positive vibes you’re aiming for.

An Example Farewell

Whether you send individual or group goodbyes, you can follow the same basic template.

Subject Line: I Bid Thee Well

Adieu to you and you and you,

That line worked for the Von Trapp children in The Sound of Music, so I thought I would borrow it to say goodbye to you, my fellows at La Compania.

These past seven years, first as an intern and later as a data scientist, have been fun and challenging. I will always remember when our team won the city baseball tournament! Each time I watch the highlights of that game, especially when Baxter hit that epic home run, I will remember you all with fondness.

My last day will be Wednesday, August 4th. And if I can leave one thought with you, I’d like to borrow the words of James Governor: “Data matures like wine.” I look forward to what we will all accomplish given a few years. I’d love to stay in touch. My contact details are below.

Best Wishes,

Lyn Giles

(555) 555-5555

LynGiles@emails.com

www.linkedin.com/in/LynXGiles

What To Do After Your Letter Is Sent

Don’t forget that actions speak louder than words. Besides writing a nice letter, you want to leave a positive impression with the coworkers you’ll be leaving and the new one who will replace you. Why not spend a moment on your last day to reflect on your work space? How should it look for the next person? After all, your working area says a lot about you and your feelings for the company. Make sure your desk is tidy. Remove all personal items from your work computer and the work space. If you want to go the extra mile, leave a note for your successor to welcome them and give helpful hints so they can jump right into the swing of things.

Leaving a favorable impression when you leave a job is an important loose end to tie. Give high priority to writing a brief, upbeat farewell letter for your colleagues. If you let your colleagues know about your departure gracefully, your transition will be smooth.

Is Being a Perfectionist Really a Good Thing?

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.

—Anne Lamott

“I’m such a perfectionist!”

People sometimes utter that phrase with pride, wearing the title as a badge of honor, but I’ve never understood why anyone would think perfectionism is something to be pleased about. I’ve cried myself to sleep over a mistake, and I remember my embarrassing gaffes for years after everyone else involved has forgotten them. I’ve left two novels languishing, each over halfway complete, because my own writing is never good enough to satisfy me and I’m sure no one else will find it readable, either.

I’ve always found Holly Hunter’s character, Jane, in the 1980s classic Broadcast News infinitely relatable. She’s hard-driving, smart, and an absolute perfectionist, which makes her life as a Washington bureau network news producer challenging. On one hand, she’s insanely talented. On the other, she’s stressed to her breaking point and a pain to work with. In my favorite scene, Jane battles her boss over which colleague should anchor a breaking news story. She insists her choice is the only viable option. When her boss snarks that it must be nice to be the one who always thinks she knows best, Jane whispers, “No. It’s awful.”

I can say this with authority: there’s a difference between striving for excellence and perfectionism. One is an asset, the other’s a handicap.

What is perfectionism?

We all know people with higher-than-normal standards, people who like to be right, people who are ultra-competitive and need to win. But are they all perfectionists? We tend to lump many different personality types and behaviors under the perfectionism label, but clinical perfectionism is a different beast. According to Merriam-Webster, the medical definition is:

A disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.

Perhaps the key words in that definition are “unrealistically demanding.” Having high standards is fine. Striving for quality is admirable. But expecting nothing short of a flawless performance or outcome every time is a recipe for unhappiness. When failure to meet one’s own impossibly high standards results in a feeling of “personal worthlessness,” it’s clear why being a true perfectionist is as awful as Jane said.

Are you a perfectionist?

You might be, but whether or not it’s a problem seems to be both a matter of opinion and degrees. Mental health professionals can’t quite seem to agree on terms. Some believe that perfectionistic traits can be motivational, helping a person reach for excellence. Others argue that any level of perfectionism is problematic. At best, a tendency toward high standards can mean that a person will regularly produce quality work. At worst, expecting nothing short of perfection from yourself can have painful psychological side effects. Perfectionism might be a problem if:

• You can’t take criticism. Perfectionists tend to react negatively to criticism because they equate criticism with failure and failure with worthlessness. They often internalize their feelings by beating themselves up, or they might externalize them by becoming defensive and lashing out at their critics, regardless of whether the criticism is real or perceived.
• You’re critical of others. Although perfectionists can’t take criticism, they can dish it out. They not only hold themselves to impossible standards, they often have unreasonably high expectations for others, which can make them demanding and critical. They may also avoid delegating tasks because they fear no one else is capable of getting it right.
• You procrastinate. Some people put off important tasks until the last minute because they’re distracted by more fun activities. But when you so desperately want a project to be perfect that you can’t make yourself get started (or keep going), you’re procrastinating perfectionist style.
• You expect yourself to be instantly good at things. Perfectionists tend to expect a high level of competency from themselves right off the bat. When they struggle to learn a new skill, they prefer giving up to working harder.
• You’re motivated by fear of failure rather than a desire for success. High achievers tend to reach toward their goals because they’re driven by a desire to succeed. Perfectionists push themselves because they fear how others will perceive them if they’re anything less than the best.
• It’s your way or the highway. Perfectionists tend to like things a certain way—their way. They’re the ones reorganizing the dishwasher after someone else has loaded it, or scolding a colleague for using the wrong font in a document.
• You equate success with happiness. Perfectionists believe they can only be happy when they achieve perfection. But, because they’re rarely perfect, they’re rarely happy. Their constant worries about failing to meet their own impossible standards can lead to health problems such as depression, eating disorders, and anxiety. There’s even some evidence to show that perfectionists can have shorter lifespans.

Try to impress yourself, not anyone else

Experts have identified two types of perfectionism, a good kind and a bad kind. Those who try their best and expect themselves and others to do well, but who treat failures as learning opportunities rather than indicators of inferiority, are the good kind of perfectionists—achievers with high standards of excellence.

There’s nothing wrong with aiming high, but shooting for perfection should cause you to feel inspired, not anxious. In fact, research suggests that people who are motivated by a desire to please or impress others perform worse than those who simply set ambitious goals for themselves. If you drive yourself hard mainly because you’re worried others will see you as less-than-perfect, consider discarding impossibly high expectations and working toward getting good enough. Your quirks, and even your little mistakes, infuse your work with personality, so leave perfect precision to machines and remember that to err is human.

Comma Before Parenthesis or After?

Commas may be placed after the closing parenthesis but not before either the opening or the closing parenthesis. If the sentence would not require any commas if the parentheses were removed, the sentence should not have any commas when the parentheses are present.

You’ve likely seen writers use parentheses to set apart information from the main sentence. But do you know how to use them correctly? One common issue writers have is how to punctuate parentheses properly, specifically whether to use a comma after parentheses or before.

Comma Before Parenthesis or After?

You’ll often see commas and parentheses used alongside one another. The question is: Do you place the comma after parentheses or before? Generally speaking, commas should never be placed before parentheses. Consider the examples below, and note the proper comma placement:

After opening the new cookie tin, (and eating several of the cookies) Mary had a hard time replacing the lid.

After opening the new cookie tin (and eating several of the cookies), Mary had a hard time replacing the lid.

Also note that the comma would be necessary even if the parentheses were removed, because it joins a dependent and independent clause:

After opening the new cookie tin, Mary had a hard time replacing the lid.

Commas and Parentheses Aren’t Always Used Together

Commas and parentheses are often used together, but they serve separate purposes within a sentence. Thus, commas should be used with parentheses only if the sentence would require a comma without the parentheses. The example below illustrates this point:

Peter cleaned his room before going out to play basketball.

Peter cleaned his room (grumbling all the while), before going out to play basketball.

Peter cleaned his room (grumbling all the while) before going out to play basketball.

Since the main sentence without the parentheses does not require a comma, it’s not necessary to add a comma when inserting the parentheses.

Using Commas Within Parentheses

When using commas and parentheses, it’s also important to distinguish commas that punctuate the main sentence from commas that punctuate the material within the parentheses. You will see commas properly used within parentheses, but this is only the case if these commas serve the parenthetical information, not the main sentence. See the sample sentences below:

The teacher chose three students (Rachel, Ashley, and Tom) to represent the class at the convention.

When they arrived (finally!), the students were promptly shown to their rooms.

When they arrived (, finally!) the students were promptly shown to their rooms.

When they arrived (finally!,) the students were promptly shown to their rooms.

In the first sentence, the commas within the parentheses are necessary because they separate items in a series, and this series makes up the information within the parentheses. In the second sentence, however, the comma is used to punctuate the main sentence (specifically, to separate the dependent and independent clauses). Therefore, the comma belongs in the main sentence, not within the parentheses.

Beyoncé Was Wrong About This Word

If you’ve ever played Dungeons & Dragons or listened to Destiny’s Child, chances are likely that you have heard the words bugbear and bugaboo. For the D&D players of the world, a bugbear is a hairy, giant-like goblin. For Destiny’s Child fans, a bugaboo is a particularly annoying boy who just won’t stop calling you (or paging you, or showing up to your house unannounced). These definitions aren’t exactly what the words were used for back when they first came into existence during the Middle Ages. In fact, both bugbear and bugaboo have interesting backstories that involve our childhood nemesis, the bogeyman.

Bugbear

1. An ongoing problem; a recurring obstacle or adversity.
2. A source of dread; resentment; or irritation
3. An imaginary creature meant to inspire fear in children.

Though linguists can’t be certain on exactly where the word bogey originated, they all agree that it originally existed as a proper name for the Devil. Scary, right? It’s no wonder, then, that parents began telling their children stories of the bogeyman coming to get them when they didn’t do their chores or go to bed on time or whatever it is that children got reprimanded for in the Middle Ages. At some point, the rhetoric around the bogeyman changed, and instead of becoming a creature that would take children who didn’t go to bed on time, it became the bugbear who would get you if you tried to sneak out at night. As the word might suggest, a bugbear was a bear-like imaginary creature also meant to incite fear in children (and teens). Today, a bugbear isn’t so much a creepy creature or giant-like goblin but a word that represents an ongoing problem; a recurring obstacle or adversity. Some might consider a bugbear to be getting politicians to agree on legislation for public school funding, for example. Alternatively, a bugbear can represent a source of dread, resentment, or irritation. Many Americans, for example, consider doing their taxes a real bugbear.

Bugaboo

1. An imaginary object of fear
2. Something that causes fear or distress out of proportion to its importance

While bugbear is a popular term in Europe, in North America the more popular word is bugaboo and usually refers to a dreadful imaginary object than a creature. In this instance, it turns out that Destiny’s Child got it wrong. When you think about it, that guy who just won’t stop calling you is more of a bugbear than a bugaboo—the guy the girls are singing about is definitely real. If we took Destiny’s Child’s use of bugaboo in the literal sense, it seems like Beyoncé et al. are totally overreacting to the bogeyman instead of protecting their very important personal spaces. Also, once you learn the definition of bugaboo, it makes it hard to look at that cute line of baby accessories that also bears the name quite the same way. Is strolling your baby suddenly an activity that causes fear or distress out of proportion to its importance (the importance being getting your baby from point A to point B)? Is your baby just an imaginary object of fear? I’d like to think not.

So, while the two words are similarly defined (and often appear as synonyms of each other), be careful to make sure you’re using the word with the right definition. Even Beyoncé can lead us astray sometimes.

Surprise, Suprise or Surprize —Which Is Correct?

• Surprise is the correct way to spell the word.
• Surprize was once an alternative spelling, but it’s very rarely used today.
• Suprise is not an acceptable way to spell surprise.

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Once upon a time, it was possible to choose between two spellings of surprise, but nowadays there’s only one.

How to Spell Surprise

There is only one generally accepted spelling of surprise: two r’s and two s’s in total. Spelling the word without the first r—suprise—is an easy mistake to make. We often don’t pronounce the first r, suh-prize, which might lead you to think that there’s no r there at all. But there is:

Sylvia surprised us when she came home for the holidays.

He came home to find an unpleasant suprise—his dog had chewed up all of his shoes.

I’m throwing my sister a big surprise party for her birthday.

It’s not a suprise if you knew it was going to happen.

Surprize was once a common alternative spelling of surprise, but it’s now considered archaic, so you should avoid it.

It was a surprisingly comfortable flight.

The surprize came too late.

Examples

These screaming children were so excited when Iron Man made a surprise appearance at a birthday party.

The Daily Mirror

So, there was plenty of surprise when an email from the iPhone maker dropped into inboxes earlier in the week.

Irish Examiner

What can you do if you’re on the receiving end of surprise billing?

CBS News

In some cases, learning a couple of very helpful spelling rules can help you avoid making a spelling mistake, but with surprise, you need to remember that there are two r’s and two s’s. This one isn’t a matter of choice like apologise-apologize or realise-realize.